I’m On Chemotherapy…Get Me Out Of HERE!!!

Give me a sunken coffin full of rats any day. Throw me out of an aeroplane at 10,000ft. Make me eat pig snout and kangaroo anus whilst juggling rotten offal. I’d take any of that over chemo.

As I sit and watch I’m a Celeb I can’t help but think how their journey has been similar to mine in a way. Like them, i’ve been catapulted into a camp, a chemo camp, which I can’t leave until i’m told I can. I entered my proverbial jungle experience 7 months ago and it’s been a daily challenge to get to the finish line since. I set out knowing that I had 16 rounds (stars if you like) to collect. Technically I should be skipping over the finale bridge in 3 days time, busting some shapes and drinking a celebratory pina colada but annoyingly I’ve been set back and i’m now three whole weeks away with 3 full on chemo sessions still to go.  Basically, the further I get the more my immune system is taking a battering…which in turn means that i’m not well enough to have the chemo. It’s a bit of a vicious circle really.  I feel like my oncologist aka Kiosk Kev is constantly pulling the shutter down in my face. It’s not his fault, he’s doing what he has to but it’s hard. It’s really hard. I’ve completed the trials in the lead up to every treatment (namely injecting myself), i’ve played by all the rules and endured the side effects (no matter how horrific it’s been) but when I arrive at the hospital to get my bloods checked and i’m told that i’m too weak to be treated I feel nothing but cheated. Cheated by my body really I guess. Grrrrr. All it does is push my end date further out of my reach. Since May this year my eyes have been on Christmas. Just knowing that when the big red fella shimmies his fat tush down our chimney i’ll be out the other side of this hell hole and sat by the fire with a glass of port in one hand and a lump of cheese in t’other.

But you’ve got to be in it to win it right? The winner on I’m a Celeb is the one who stays til the end. The bitter end.  You don’t get there by cutting corners or quitting early. I know this. I’m not beating this cancer thing unless I see the treatment through.  Ok, i’ve dropped the c bomb,  my tantrum is over. I had to get that off my chest, you know, stamp my feet a bit like a bratty snotty child but my game face is firmly back on now.  So here I go into my 3 week (fingers crossed) countdown. Just 3 more stars to collect. Wish me luck campmates. It’s a jungle out there.fullsizeoutput_5200

TIPS I’M LEARNING ABOUT GETTING TO THE FINISHING LINE (actually this is my inner sensible person coaching my outer utterly cheesed off person but do feel free to carry on reading if you find it helpful/amusing)

*Don’t plan when the finish line is. It’s likely to change. It’s like getting hooked on your due date when you’re pregnant and then becoming despondent and down when you go overdue. Nature has to take its course and no amount of lunges and pineapple juice is going to change that.

*Keep up the good work. Eat well, take your vitamins and avoid germs

*Take all the help that is offered around you.

*Stop comparing cancer treatment to celebrity game shows – it’s a bigger deal (‘or no deal’ boom).

*Throwing your toys out the pram and moaning is pointless but equally OK to vent. It’s like therapy.

*Write a blog about it and moan to your readers…who knows if they’ll actually get to the end of your indulgent rant anyway. Still here? Hi. I like you most.

30 thoughts on “I’m On Chemotherapy…Get Me Out Of HERE!!!

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  1. Wishing you all the luck in the world Helen, you are such an inspiration …… I have my penultimate chemo this Friday … I have had mine pushed back in the past and it’s so terribly disappointing ..I had my timeline planned like a finely oiled machine…. so you’re comment about not planning is spot on … So I’m hoping it goes ahead Friday and then only one to go ……. if it doesn’t then hey ho… I’ll deal with it
    Keep on keeping on my friend … you are fab ….. ps loving I’m a celebrity, it helps that I have a slight crush on nick knowles 😂

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  2. I was only thinking about you today lovely. If I was your camp mate in the jungle I’d be screaming ‘you’ve got this HELEN…keep going’. As hard as I’m sure it is…keep being the bloody brave and inspirational beauty that you are. Sending lots of love your way xxx

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  3. Nearly there! You’ll be done before you know it.
    All being well I start Taxol on 14th. I’ve got a heart scan this week so 🤞. They keep sticking me down the quiet corridor so I’ve missed you these last few weeks. Hopefully I’ll finally get to meet you soon! 😂

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  4. Hi, I’ve only just signed my membership form for this delightful club and just read your blog in one hit. I’ve passed onto my mum & close friends to read as both you & your husband’s feelings match me & mine so well. Thanks for sharing & providing inspiration to a newbie. Wishing you well 😘xx

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  5. Wot a complete pisser for you. To stay ‘positive’ in these circumstances must be so demoralising. Hang in there; that cheese and port will be just as tasty in early Spring!

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  6. Just another hurdle on yr race to the finish line…. so close now keep going! No one said it was easy and it’s not!! 💪🏻❤️

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  7. You can do this my lovely, I start my chemo journey this Thursday and you are true inspiration to me to go and kick butt, thank you
    Much love being sent to you and yours xx

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  8. Like those in the jungle, you’ve got many invisible supporters who are willing you on and following your chemo campo on Twitter. So don’t ever feel alone you brave Bute. We’re with you in spirit. X

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  9. So nearly there , I’m glad the game face is back on!. I know the feeling..I have just finished my chemo and like you I kept thinking I will be done by christmas..but I now have to have radiotherapy over Christmas/New year …even after my laments of “but its Christmas ! Chrissstmaaas !” So after a sulk my game face is also back on..as you say you have got to see it through to the end, there is no get out of jail free card you have just got to.keep going..Lots of Love to you xxx ps I love this blog..it’s helped me thru the wee hours of the night when I can’t sleep from worrying/steroids or both!..thank you

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  10. Keep going – you’re doing amazingly well. There really is light at the end of the tunnel, I had 8 rounds of chemo (4xFEC and 4x Docetaxol), a mastectomy and 15 blasts of radiotherapy. This all happened in 2013/14 and today I am looking and feeling well. Xx

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